My Long Distance Relationship (LDR) thus far

So, here we go. This is kind of a little overdue, or is it?

For those of you who don't know, I'm currently in an LDR with a very, very amazing woman called Kate, and I have been in it for over 5 months. She's absolutely incredible. I actually don't think that there are many people on the planet who are amazing enough to get me to fall in love with them without even having met them in person before. But Kate? Kate pulled it off alright. If we're not texting, we're skyping or talking on Viber.

It's been a weird journey. When we started, I'm not going to lie: I thought it was stupid. I thought it would end in upset, that it was naive, overly optimistic and kind of immature. I mean, I had an online girlfriend for about 2 weeks when I was 14. Back then I thought it was really cool, but until I found Kate (or rather, she found me), I wouldn't consider it an actual relationship so much as something stupid I did in my early teenage years. In fact I would consider it stupid and pointless. But after a rocky start of me breaking up with her, realising that I really cared for here already and then receiving a letter that bought a tear to my eye (shut up), I decided to give it another go. A real shot. It turns out giving it another shot has been on of the greatest decisions of my life.

Since being with Kate, I feel like I've grown (and not just from the lack of exercise due to being on Skype all the time). I've grown emotionally, I've grown in maturity and I've grown more as person in the last 5 months than I did in the 5 years before meeting Kate. I'm still a really bad elitist in the sense of not giving interests outside of my comfort zone a shot, but now I'm realising that this is an issue I need to address, and I'm really trying my hardest to address it. That's what life, relationships and growing is about.

I've also been happier. The people I live with and speak to regularly have all commented on it. All of them. And by extension, I'm a better person to be around, I feel. Yeah, I may talk about Kate more than I should which might make me more boring, but so what? At least I'm not still off pulling "Jacobs" or complaining that I'm miserable. I now have someone to really keep me grounded in my life. Someone that makes me happy, and someone that I can care for, who cares for me. Someone who is shaping me into a better human being. One that doesn't dismiss art because I find it boring, someone who doesn't refuse to watch something because it's in black and white, someone who doesn't dismiss things just because I've not heard of them.

The thing is, being with Kate has SIGNIFICANTLY altered my perception of life, my outlook on things and the way I look at myself. I have confidence now and I have someone who genuinely cares about me to reassure me when I'm doing badly at something I care about. Working at Morrisons over Summer was miserable for me, but Kate made it bearable for me, as well as working full time herself, living 3,209 miles away and being under a lot of stress herself.

And my friends have all been really supportive. Well, not ALL, but we'll get to that.

When I first got into my LDR, I went home a few days later for Easter. I remember telling all my friends back home about it and it had a kind of mixed reaction. Some friends were straight out accepting and happy for me, which to be honest, really genuinely surprised me. One of them laughed at me. The rest were happy for me, but also warning me to be careful that I don't get hurt. The people who were worried saw me over Summer and are actually now all aboard the Kate-train. My family also: before I told them I was worried what they would think. I was worried what a lot of people would think before I realised I don't really care what other people think. This is my life, I call the shots. And I'm extremely confident that this was the right shot to call. But my friends and my family have all been incredibly supportive. And for that, I thank you.

But of course, the haters:

A month or two after getting into the LDR, a girl who I speak to ever now and then texted me, saying something along the lines of it being hilarious that I've not even met my girlfriend in person and it's just a joke. I told her it was my own choice and I was happy, then blocked her from Facebook/Twitter and deleted her number from my phone. A little strong maybe, but this is a girl who lives for going out at the weekends to get drunk and have sex with practical strangers. I try not to be judgemental, but it's hard sometimes. I actually feel sorry for her. But there's more to this story: This girl I know through an ex-coursemate, who lives in a houseful of people on the same course. This ex-coursemate has made a few little snide remarks here and there about the entire situation on my facebook.

It culminated a week or so ago, when Kate jokingly engaged me over Facebook and I accepted for 6 hours.  This ex-coursemate posted "HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA" onto the relationship status on Facebook. I ignored it, because frankly, I'm not going to bother arguing with someone who likes to record his female friends in the shower about being in a happy relationship. But I digress. The real kicker was that EVERYONE who lives with him and is a mutual friend "liked" his post on the relationship status.

What I don't understand, is why a) they feel the need to try and take something away from my happiness, or b) why they don't just say something to me about it. It just confuses me, the mentality of some people.

Anyway, let's get back to a high. In less than one week (5 days, 4 hours, 35 minutes at time of writing), I am going to meet the person that I've fallen in love with in person for the first time. I've gone though all the phases; worry, excitement, nervousness, happiness, fear, etc etc etc. But now only two remain: Excitement and impatience. I'm going to meet her in Heathrow with a coffee exactly how she likes it waiting for her in my hand, we're going to kiss and then we're going to have an awesome trip with my amazing friends Reiss & Eddy back to Coventry. Over the course of her visit, we're going to spend 3 days in Paris, visit the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower. We're going to go on the Fresher's bar crawl, have a party and go to Alton Towers. Not to mention the little things like going out on dates, cooking for each other and all sorts of things. It's going to be worth the wait, I know it. The pictures will be phenomenal and the memories will never be matched. I've been sending her an email ever morning the weeks now; a countdown of 50 things I can't wait for when she's here and it's amazing when I think that those emails will become a reality very, very soon.

I'm actually glad I'm in an LDR. People take a lot of things for granted in relationships. Kate and I don't do that.  We appreciate every moment we get to Skype (to the point of even sleeping together on Skype), everything counts in an LDR. Seriously; try it out.

Oh, and one more thing, some people have been donating to us on our GoFundMe page (http://www.gofundme.com/xn2yg). It seriously means so much that people donate on there. I'm a Student and Kate can't afford more than a trip (two at an absolute push) a year. So the people that donate on that have really made a massive difference, and I can now ALMOST afford a trip to see her for New Years and her birthday. So thank you all so much, you're absolutely incredible. I will not forget who's donated and when I can afford to give you something in return.. <3 p="p">
Anyway, I've not made a blog in a while and I feel like a lot of this needed to be said.

Thanks for reading. <3 p="p">
- Spudguy

Grumpy gone happy.

Brace yourselves, people who bother to read my whiney, pretentious, self-loathing, negative, hateful, cantankerous, judgmental views on life. You’re in for one hell of a ride. In fact, there are a lot of bases to cover here. So much so that I’m now opening up notepad and constructing a list… … … Ah, there; done. Oh God… That’s a BIG list. Ugh, I’m going to have to prepare myself for this. Wait there a minute, I’m going to listen to a little bit of The Flashbulb, muse about my life and smoke a cigarette.

There we go, I’m back. So where shall we begin? I mean, we could start with the most recent event that triggered me to write this blog and then get to work on the older stuff? What’s that I hear, cheers? Yeah. I’m up for that. LET’S DO THIS THING!!

So, what just happened? It’s now 00:50 on the 2^nd April 2012. The last year of the Mayan calendar, actually… but that’s (unfortunately) bullshit so that’s neither here nor there, is it? No. It’s not. Ladies and gentlemen of my blogging audience, I have just attempted to attend a pub viewing of “Wrestlemania”. I have never in all my life witnessed something that has made me so miserable to be who I am. All these people... my age – some might say ‘young – standing around and watching scantily clad men pretend to fight in front of a stupidly large live audience, along with cheering and applaud. These people watching this are incredibly happy. They’re having a GREAT time, and they LOVE what they’re watching. It reminds me of sporting events. I guess it is, in a sense. So I arrived at 00:10, paid my £3 entry (which included a beer) and went to the bar. What I saw, was many screens, some large, some small, showing this “Wrestlemania”. My God… they were all so happy. All of them, so fucking happy.

I mean, I guess I’m just a grumpy old cunt. Fucking, they all just LOVED IT. So, I arrived at 00:10, took my little paper voucher to the bar and got my pint of Carling at 00:30 (after 20 minutes of waiting), drank it as fast as I could without actually downing it and left. I would have left after 5 minutes was it not for my paying £3 admittance. God, I don’t regret a thing except going. I hate people. I hate sports and I hate being surrounded by idiots, which is what my consciousness is judging these people as. I went with Jack and Steph, Jack felt like I did, I think but he actually gives things a chance. He’s a better person than me. Steph was just grinning like a fucking retard and putting her hand over her face and squealing every time something happened or she saw someone. That just REALLY got under my skin. It makes me so angry, I don’t understand why. Being surrounded by happiness genuinely infuriates and confuses me. Although, at Download it doesn’t so much (though it did last year… hmmm…)

I’m a grumpy old cunt and I should probably just kill myself. Nothing I ever do will change the world. Nothing I ever do will ever be remembered and no one I ever know will tell stories about me to their children. And I will never find a woman within close proximity to want children with me. For all intents and purposes: My existence is moot.

But moving on from that happy note, there’s other things that have been touching my mind lately, such as the bizarre and cliché event that has happened with my love-life. Oh, yes. Something HAS been going on. And yes, it is something I’ve not really publicised, (That also bothers me, constant posts on facebook/twitter about how much person X loves person Y. Fuck off, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT). I mean, I would think no one gives a shit about my love life, but you’re nosey enough to read my blog, so you must a little bit?  

So, where to begin with my “love-life”? Fucking… I don’t know. I mean, I really do like someone, a lot. A hell of a lot. More than I’m willing to admit on here. To anyone other than the person in question, actually. And there’s a reason for that, a reason I’ve NEVER been bothered by in my life until now. And this is the stark realisation that must be written and confessed, to both her who’s more than likely going to read this and to myself. I am scared of judgement. Never before in my life have I given a shit what people think about me, but this is… I don’t know. Basically, the woman in question lives 3,202 miles away. In America. And I don’t know if you guys have gotten the idea of me before that I’m not really fussed by a sexual relationship, but I’m not. I want the companionship; that person to share everything with, to laugh with, cry with, look forward to talking to, want to talk to for hours on end and then actually talk to them for hours on end without getting bored… someone who makes you laugh, smile and cry with just a few words, someone who you want to talk about all the time, to show off, to share, to boast about and to never want to lose. The person I’ve been talking to, is exactly that person. To say she’s incredible would be an understatement and to describe her as perfect for me would be a weak description.

But I don’t want to forever be judged as “Jacob, that guy with the online girlfriend who never leaves the house. I don’t want people to make fun of me, or rip me down or laugh at me. I don’t want people to talk about me behind my back and tell people about what a loser I am. I’m not a loser, I’m… well, I am a loser. But I like being a loser! I love to hate going to Wrestlemania, I love to watch Professional Starcraft games on the internet instead of football. I love who I am.

A STARK REALISATION SETS IN.

I don’t care, world. I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t care what you say to me and I certainly don’t care if you want to judge me, because you know what? I’m judging you right fucking back. Because I’ve found someone who I GENUINELY care for, and who genuinely cares for me back. When I’m done writing this blog, I’m going to post it and when she starts reading it, I’m going to ask her to be my girlfriend. Because you know what, I love her and I’m not ashamed of that. I’m happy, I am. Obviously circumstances could be MUCH nicer, she could live nearby, she could not live in America and I could maybe not be now in that “weirdo” category for having an online relationship, but it’ll work. Because we want to make it work. We care enough for each other that the distance is just a molehill and not a mountain. You watch us. I’ll be happier than I can even remember being, and those times when we meet up, oh wow… how glorious they will be. Just try and stop me.

Now, moving swiftly on…

Actually. Fuck it. I was going to make this a massive post. I’ve got so much more to talk about, so much more to whine about and so much more to say about myself. But instead, I’m going to cut it short and leave you cunts hanging.

Peace out,

I’ll be back soon. There’s much to discuss.

Romance isn't all it's cracked up to be,,,

So, most of the people that read this blog are generally in my age range. 90's kids. The best of the best. The elite. The current student generation, the vast majority of 'clubbers', pub-goers, video game players and tree-smokers. We grew up with Pokemon, Hey! Arnold, Catdog, Sonic the Hedgehog, Spongebob Squarepants (okay, maybe we were a little too old for that one), Disney Movies, 90's Pop. We saw the rise and fall of the Sega Megadrive, PS1, PS2, Xbox, Gamecube, Dreamcast, VHS, MSN... We've witnessed the birth of the commercialised Internet, Youtube, E-mail, MP3s, Torrents, Internet Piracy. I could go on and on.

The reason I point all this out, is that I wonder if the constant stream of media into our lives is affecting our outlook on life. Specifically that all important part of it: Romance.

If Disney taught us one thing, it's that there's such a thing as "true love". Which, I'm not even going to attempt to disagree with. I mean fuck it, it's real. There's no disagreeing with that at all. But one thing Disney didn't teach us is that love fucking hurts. I mean, it really fucking hurts. There are a LOT of my friends currently coming to realise this. Not even so much realise, as experience. Disney movies, Rom-coms and too many fucking pop songs like to go on about how amazing love is, and 9/10 times will leave us with a happy ending. Never to go back to "What happens if they fall out of love?". It's fucking bullshit. Even at the opposite end of the spectrum: Movies about break-ups, they're never *really* about breakups, are they? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, (500) Days of Summer, Forgetting Sarah Marshall are movies off the top of my head that all are supposedly about breakups. And my God, all three of them are PAINFULLY accurate, I mean Eternal Sunshine's beginning, where he's completely alone and lonely I relate to far too much, Forgetting Sarah Marshall makes me laugh at how unbelievably similar I was to the main character after his break up, and (500) Days is incredibly similar to my one and only relationship on several levels. If you've not seen them, stop reading here as there's going to be some spoilers (skip the next paragraph) and go watch them.

*SPOILERS FOR ABOVE MOVIES*
Here's the thing though, the endings to those movies, never happened to me. And I'm still waiting for them to happen:
Eternal Sunshine: After the memories were wiped, so they didn't remember each other, they got back together, it was "meant to be" and then the credits roll as they're going on a date (This might be wrong, haven't seen it in ages).
Forgetting Sarah Marshall: He wins the woman behind the desk when he's on Holiday.
(500) Days of Summer: One word: Autumn.

None of these things have ever happened for me, and they all end on a note implying that everything's going to be fine and work out. Okay, (500) Day's doesn't, that's about the Cycle repeating. But still.
*END OF SPOILERS*

Basically, my point is that romance does exist, it IS out there and it is real. But we've all been forced into believing from a young age, that everything's all love and happiness. It's fucking not. It's dark, lonely and bleak. The only thing that keeps us going is the idea of getting the next person to love.

But what happens if they don't love you back? If they're already taken? If they're not attracted to you? What movie do you watch then? What cheesy 90's song do you listen to then?


I've got to say, it's weird writing this now. Where I am in terms of my life as far as romance goes is that I'm quite content. Sure, I'd love to have someone to call "mine", to share my life with and to generally be in love with. I miss the meaningful kisses, the long cuddles and the talking for hours without getting bored. But you know what? I also like being able to do whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want, going wherever I want and talking to whoever I want without fear of jealousy. I also don't miss being jealous, or constantly worrying about a possible immanent break-up that probably won't happen for a long while. In the situation I'm in right now, I'm not sure what the fuck is going on. But even that slight glimmer of (most likely) misplaced optimism is enough to keep me going. Before I met this person, I didn't even have that and it was crushing. And you know what? There are only two outcomes: The optimism isn't misplaced and I end up being in a relationship with a beautiful, funny and wonderful woman. The other option is that I go back to how I was before we started talking, which although obviously not as nice, isn't as bad as it could be. I'll get by, and keep getting by until I find another woman to lock my target fixation upon. Rinse and repeat. This is my life now. It's a grind until I find my Autumn.

But here's the thing: We, as a generation believe that love is a MAJOR player to our lives. That it's the be all and end all of existence. But it's not. Plain and simple. It's not. We need to start living for ourselves, not for the hope of finding others. That's the secret to true happiness.

Anyway, to the people going through rough patches reading this, whether you're in love with someone and it's not reciprocated, you're going through a break-up or you've not had so much as a smile from a member of the opposite (or same if that's how you roll) sex in as long as you remember: Keep on rockin' on. It's not profound advice, it won't change your life, but you need to realise: Life is a fucking grind. It's like digging for treasure: You've got to go get through a hell of a lot of shit before you find the gold. And sometimes, you can be tricked into thinking something's gold when it's just fool's gold.

Friends are the best things in this life. They're all you really need. Friends and porn. Never forget your friends, and they'll never forget you. Happiness is only real when it's shared: Share it with them. You don't need romance to share happiness.

Smile.

New Year’s resolution 2012!

So here it is, I’m finally going to re-write what has so far been my favourite blog, something I was happy about to the point of saying “This is beautiful.” I posted it to blogger, and guess what? It got deleted. Eaten. Devoured. Erased. So here I am, attempt #2 (well, actually number 4, but I lost the other two within minutes of starting them).

The thing is, I know that this is going to be nowhere near as good as the first attempt. For starters, I’ve forgotten about 6 of my 10 resolutions, and I’m going to have to re-think them. I also wrote some pretty heavy shit about each one, and made it really nice. But alas, here we are. Back to square one and writing this in Microsoft fucking Word. Why, blogger, why did you have to delete all of my hard work; my awesome ramblings and perfectly structured mix of humour, inspiration and self-improvement techniques, only to leave me with this shitty organic brain that can’t retain information perfectly? Fuck you man. We could have changed the world.

Anyway, moving on… let’s get started on blog attempt number 4. Hopefully this one will be here for good.

So firstly, what is a “New Year’s Resolution”? Google defines “resolution” as “A firm decision to do or not to do something.” – This isn’t EXACTLY what I’m going for. See, I’m not going to just start doing things, or stop doing things. I’m going to take things I do too much of, and cut them back, or I’m going to take things I’m not doing enough of, and start doing them more. Too many people have vague conceptions of New Year’s Resolutions that set their goals too high, and end up being too much hassle to achieve. (Ref: “Stop smoking”, “Go on a diet”; how many of these do people stick to past January?) I am not perfect, and I will never become perfect. Hell, on a scale of 0 – 10, I’m a 2 or a 3. But if I can even get myself to a 4 or a 5, I’m making good progress, right? Right.

I don’t know what else to say to lead you into this other than I hope that you get some ideas from them. Remember; I’m going for realistic goals based around the idea of self-improvement. I’m not going to change the world, or even get acknowledgement for this, but that’s not what it’s about. It’s about making me happier with me. So here we go. Enjoy.

10.  Look after money more effectively.

So it’s not exactly a secret that I can’t look after money well, or even at all for that matter. I’m fucking awful with money. If there’s something I want, and I have the money, I’ll get it. And my mentality at the time is “Oh, I’ll deal with not having any money left when I don’t have any money left. Future me can deal with that.” And then when I run out of money, all I can think is “Fuck you, past me.” This is why past and future me can never be friends. Shit… what does that mean about present me? D:

Anyway, the solution I propose for my constant lack of money is actually something I’ve tried before, but various factors ended up ruining the planning. This is not simply “keep a budget”. That won’t work with someone of my stupid mentality. No, I propose something more fascist upon myself, and more frustrating for the future me that wants to spend that student loan coming in when I go back to Uni… I’m going to get all that money, pay off the rent and whatever bills I owe at the time, then all that other money? I’m going to work out all the bill money I’ll need (internet, seedbox, phone etc), subtract that from what I have left and then divide THAT number by the amount of weeks I have to live on. Then I put all of the money into a separate bank account, set up a weekly transfer and off I go.

EXAMPLE TIME:

Get paid £2000. -£1000 rent & bills. -£500 bills from Jan  - Apr, £500 left. 10 weeks to live on, £500/10 = £50. Every Friday: £50 into my bank account. So if I save some, I have that the next week too. If I stick to this (which I really hope I do), I will be a very happy man and any extra income is boss.

9. Sort out my sleeping pattern

So this is kind of a big thing for me, because in order for a lot of my other resolutions to work, this one should really be sorted out first. And at the time of writing this, my sleeping pattern is actually pretty fucking perfect. Going to bed at 2, getting up somewhere between 8 and 10. < All of these are AM, not PM. If you reverse that, so I go to bed at 2 in the afternoon and get up 8/10 at night, you have my uni sleeping pattern, which is fucked. The thing is, I’m missing so much because I just sleep through it. Yeah, it’s a “student” thing to do, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing to do. Students are notoriously lazy. I don’t want to be known as being lazy; I want to be known as being awesome.  

There’s not really many ways for me to fix this that I can think of, as there are always going to be all-nighters, or VERY late nights at uni, which of course won’t help with it. But here we go: If it’s a weekday in the morning, then my alarm goes off at 8, to get me out of bed for 9am. If I have a 9am lecture? My alarm’s going off at 07:30. If I can get my waking up time to some kind of social norm, I can get my sleeping pattern to hopefully match it, and if I’m awake at 9 with no one else to hang out with? I can get to work on a few of my other resolutions. It’s a win/win situation.

8. Smoke less

So I’m sick of something. I’m sick of all these people saying “OMG I’M GONNA STOP SMOKING IN THE NEAR YEAR LOLOLOLOLOL”. Shut up. None of you people ever quit by just stopping. You end up wanting one more than anything. And the thing is, the only reason I want to quit is because of the money. I like smoking (To paraphrase Bill Hicks: “Shit, if I get to look cooler for my entire life I’ll die 10 years younger”), and I don’t want to stop smoking. So I’m just going to cut down to something manageable: 5 Smokes a day. 10 if I’m going out. It still sounds like quite a lot, but any smokers out there will know what I mean when I say that Alcohol makes people smoke much more.

How am I going to enforce this? Well it’s NOT going to be a midnight to midnight day, it’s going to be from waking up to going to sleep. So that’ll help me out a bit. I have an old cigarette case, in which I will take 5 smokes from a pack and put them in there when I have my first smoke of the day. If I decide to go out? +5 to the pack. I will be unstoppable in my slowing of smoking. Also, if I don’t smoke 5 in the day, I’ll stack them for the next day. I’m not quitting, I’m just trying to save money. This will regulate it well enough for me.

Oh, and I’m going to start buying packs from Spain (via proxy) to get pretty much 50% off. So there’s that too. Come at me, haters.

7. Stop getting walked all over

This is a pretty big one, and anyone close to me will know exactly what I mean and why I’m putting this in here. The thing is, 2 years or so ago, I was a pretty big voice, a force to be reckoned with and someone who can’t be pushed around. I wouldn’t take shit like I do now without putting up a fight. I mean, I’m intelligent; I’m witty when I want to be and I’m not a pushover in arguments. Well, recently I am, but that’s what this is about. Getting back to the level I was at. I never used to lose arguments, I used to keep a cool head and make a fully-reasoned, logical argument. I was reasonable and never got angry. Now, I’m getting angry at the time and clutching at straws instead of reason.

There’s not really a direct fix to this one other than to say that I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore. My life has value, and people need to learn to treat me accordingly. I’m not going to hide behind a screen anymore. I’m going to be something worth respecting.

NOTE: This does NOT mean I’m going to get violent, rather the opposite. If people resort to violence, I’ve the moral high-ground. Hell, hit me all you fucking want. I’m not going to hit you back. Who’s more of the man now? The guy who’s hitting someone who’s already said he’d never hit them back, or the man getting hit in the face and waiting for a chance to speak?

6. Go out more!

So, there’s this thing that I like to moan about, hell, there are a lot of things that I like to moan about. And the thing is, the more I moan, the more depressed I get and the less I want to go out. This goes in DIRECT contradiction of the solution for the subject I’m moaning about. That’s right: Being “forever alone”, or single. Who gives a fuck. I’m actually starting to care less and less about this now. The more women I think “oooh la la, you’re pretty nice” about, the more I realise that I’m just going for any woman who talks to me. Fuck that, women can come to me now. My life is great as I write this, and the optimism I have from writing this blog is just making me happier and I realise, a girlfriend would probably hinder me more than help me. So, instead of saying “GET A GORRAM WOMAN”, I say “go out more!” When I eventually get a womanfriend (and mark my words: it’ll happen), I won’t be out as much, so now’s my chance.

Also, I’ll meet more people! More friends = more awesome. More awesome = more happy. See how this goes?

So, once a week, on a Friday or a Saturday night, I will be going to the pub, and if there are any parties I get the opportunity to attend, I’m going to that shit too! Also, I’ll be having a hell of a lot more people visit me at Uni. So that’s that one sorted.

5. Exercise more FUCKING EXERCISE!!!

Oh dear, this is another generic one, isn’t it? :/

HAVE NO FEAR THOUGH! For I’m not going to do over 9000 whatever’s a day, I’m going to do something different, build it up and make myself a boss. Firstly, something really simple: Every day, hell, maybe not every day, but at least 4 times a week, I’m going to get into the habit of going for walks. Not jogs, not sprints, not marathons; walks. And I don’t mean I’m going to walk the Coventry ring road 4 times a night, I mean just walk about for at least half an hour. Listen to some music, bring someone along for company. Just get some fresh air and stretch my legs for a bit. I’m a computer geek, and I NEVER leave the house unless I have to. I was at Morrisons last week and I needed to spend two of those days walking constantly for 2 days. My legs killed afterwards; I want to get to a state where I won’t even notice that. I’m so unfit it’s terrifying.

Secondly, I’m going to do some push-ups. But I’m going to ease myself into it. Either when I wake up, or just before I go to bed (hell, maybe both); 5 a day, progressing onto 10 a day for week 2, 15 for week 3 and so on, so forth; all until I get to week 10, when I’ll hit 50 a day. When I get to that level, I’ll stick at that.  50 push-ups a day is a LOT, but not so much that it’ll take all day and not so little that there’s not much point to it. Something like this can make a huge difference to me with very little effort and if I build up to it, it’ll become like second nature to me.

4. Become more self-confident. Possibly even a little arrogant?

I know arrogance isn’t an attractive on anyone, but I think it’s something I need. Too much am I telling myself that I’m a “hideous wreck of a man” or “not worth anything to anyone.” How’s that going to change anything? This resolution is more of a backing to everything else on this blog, but it’s still something important. If I smoke less, go out more and exercise more, of course I’m going to feel better about myself, so as I say, this is kind of moot. But I need to remind myself that I AM awesome, I AM loved and I AM intelligent. Things will pick up: that much is certain. The only person who can change my life is me.

3. Stop being such a moody cunt – no, seriously.

So, when I get down about all the shit in my life (that isn’t even that bad, I just love to moan), what do I do? I get in a little strop. Hell, more of a stop, I have a full on spazz attack, being a massive cunt to everyone around me, bringing down their moods and pushing the people who actually care away from me. So to all those people (you know who you are) I apologise. Seriously. I’m sorry.

But how the dick am I gonna fix this? I can’t just STOP getting depressed, can I? No. Of course I can’t. But what I CAN do it take my mind off whatever’s getting me down, and channel that energy into something not only much more useful, but make me feel a lot better about myself, and make me feel better. I’m talking about the next two resolutions, reading some books; hell: even getting a better gamer score will keep me occupied and something to feel proud about.

I also need to stop putting so much effort into making other people feel better and focus on my own damn problems. I know I unload a lot, and I’ve not problem with unloading onto me. But there have been a lot of times recently where I’ve not even had time to do something for myself because I’ve been so invested in helping other people. There’s a lot of emotional baggage that I’m carrying, and a lot of it isn’t mine. So if people want to talk to me, they can go ahead. But unless I genuinely care about the person I’m listening to from now on, I’m not going to pretend to. If I know they won’t be there for me, I won’t care. I reckon this will make me feel more of a dick, and look like a cunt, maybe even get rid of a lot of my current friend pool. But hell, I need to be selfish about this at the moment.

2. Work more outside of Uni

Haha! Now we’re getting to the important stuff, the fun stuff, the HARD stuff. So, as I’m sure 90% of you know, I’m on a course called “Ethical Hacking”. Now the problem is, a LOT of the stuff on this course is very, very interesting. But there’s so much to cover on this course, even if I do all of it to a first level grade, I still don’t think I’ll be good enough. Now that might be academically true, or it might just be me wanting to be the best I can and make my friends, family and lecturers proud. But either way, where’s the harm in learning? Seriously. You can never learn too much.

How am I going to do this? Simple. I’m going to give myself some objectives; right now I want to know how to do a lot more with Java, Jscript and JQuery. After I’ve gotten the hang of at least a little is these, I’ll move on to leaning more HTTP, some PHP and then look at SSL, SFTP and others. There are so many things I just want to learn, but don’t. 2 hours a day (during the week) at least will be dedicated to all of this.

I’m also going to make a MUCH better effort with the CompSec Society and DC4420. There’s so many out of class things I can be doing to learn stuff, but I’m just too lazy. No more skipping meetings or trips to London. I’m fucking Spudguy and I’m giving 100%.   

1. Get more involved in my course.

So, last year I was at the same Uni, doing a different course. But the thing is, I HATED it. Completely detested it. So fucking much. It was the worst thing I’ve ever done, and I hated everything about it (except of course the people). I had no idea what I was doing and I didn’t want to go. But here’s the thing: Some of the modules were really good. And the computing ones that I did last year, I have on this course this year and don’t need to do as I passed them.

So now I have all these free periods, less coursework and less exams this year. This is perfect for getting ahead in class, right? I mean, I should be ruling the roost right now. I mean, I’m damned high up on the course at the moment, and top in one of my modules. But not doing as well as I should. So in my spare time, along with doing 2 hours out-of-uni work, I’ll be doing 2 hours+ a day of work FOR uni. If I don’t have any, I’ll look ahead to other things I might need to do. Such as my Propositional Calculus, or C++ programming.

Hell, I NEED to learn Subnetting still as that shit confuses the hell out of me. There’s a lot I can and should be doing to get on top. I’m just… not. :/

The mixture of my free time from lectures completed and a decent sleeping pattern should help me get further ahead than anyone else. I’m going for it, and I’m going to work my arse off for it.

So there it is, my 2012 resolutions. It’s not as good as the first one I wrote, I know this because I don’t feel as proud as I did. But it’s in the open now and I’m really hoping I can stick to it. I hope you got at least ONE idea from this.

So fuck it, email me, tweet me, facebook me, phone me, text me…  contact me however you can to check on me. Just ask me if I’m doing X like I said in Y. I’m going to need you to help push me. If I’m not doing it, shout at me, swear at me and ask my why.

We’re in this together now.

Happy 2012.

-          Spuddykins. <3

New Years Resolution for 2012!!

New Years Resolution for 2012!!

Religion, Faith and The Bible...

Well, this is going to be possibly the longest and most difficult blog I've ever written. So let me start off by saying that the reason I'm writing this isn't to try and destroy faith, or enforce it, but to share my personal views on the subject, along with sourcing of my quotes, attempted reasoning behind my opinions and some of my personal favourite quotes regarding religion (from songs, authors, entertainers, philosophers, priests etc...)

I have religious friends, and I have atheist friends. All of them are good people in my books, and none of them I will name (unless I have their permission, of course).

Firstly, I'd like to establish the level of my religiousness, and quote Richard Dawkin's "Spectrum of theistic probability" as a guide:

1. Strong theist. 100 per cent probability of God. In the words of C.G. Jung: "I do not believe, I know."
2. De facto theist. Very high probability but short of 100 per cent. "I don't know for certain, but I strongly believe in God and live my life on the assumption that he is there."
3. Leaning towards theism. Higher than 50 per cent but not very high. "I am very uncertain, but I am inclined to believe in God."
4. Completely impartial. Exactly 50 per cent. "God's existence and non-existence are exactly equiprobable."
5. Leaning towards atheism. Lower than 50 per cent but not very low. "I do not know whether God exists but I'm inclined to be skeptical."
6. De facto atheist. Very low probability, but short of zero. "I don't know for certain but I think God is very improbable, and I live my life on the assumption that he is not there."
7. Strong atheist. "I know there is no God, with the same conviction as Jung knows there is one."

Looking at that, I'd like to point out that I'm of the opinion that number one, and number seven are of sheer ignorance. There is no way of knowing with complete certainty that God is, or is not real. And for that reason, I would hold myself as a level 6.

Oh, and one more thing. I've been Christened. I went to Sunday school. I used to believe in God. HOWEVER, I'm to this day not 100% certain on my mother's religion, and I know I was only christened because my grandmother forced it. I also used to have to pray in school and sing hymns. I guess religion was enforced on me more than I realised before writing this, but never at home. I had the option to decide for myself, and because of that, I think I chose atheism over theism because it seemed more probable. At least to me.

For anyone who's not read "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins, whether you're religious or otherwise, I would strongly recommend reading it. I will admit though, Richard Dawkins is VERY passionate about his beliefs, to the point of being somewhat intrusive, offensive and insensitive to other people's beliefs. This in no way differs to a lot of famous religious activists, but it stands out a  lot more due to Dawkins being one of two (that I know of) anti-religious activists.

The problem, of course, with anti-religious activists is that there is a negative repercussion of trying to enforce atheism onto theist believers, and that is the fact that not all religious people are as bad as they can be made out to be. My Grandmother, for example, is a christian. She's been one her entire life, most likely due to her parents being religious. Now the thing with her is that she causes no harm, and she tries to live her life with no judgement on people, with no pre-meditated anger and no quoting of the bible. She sees it as a way of believing that she was bought into the world to do good, and so she does. But without her faith, she would still be that same good person, but she wouldn't be as happy. Faith gives happiness to those who need it; it's a way to overcome the fear of death. At least in my opinion. That's why you see so many people seeking miracle cures for cancer, or turning to god when they've been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Religion is a wonderful thing to people who need it. Personally, I find it quite satisfying to think that after my death, there is nothing. Literally nothing at all. How do I find it satisfying? Because after I die, I won't be able to feel upset by it; bored by it; scared of it, will I? I will simply cease to be. My consciousness will dissolve into nothingness and my body will disintegrate and eventually be as non-existent as my consciousness.

One of the arguments that religion, and the bible came into play is that it's an AMAZING way to control the masses. I mean, come on; it's too much. To quote George Carlin:

"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!"

Now, something George Carlin DIDN'T touch on, which I think he could have done, was that if you DO follow this list of ten things, and you stick by it, you'll go to Heaven. The happiest place imaginable, where you can re-unite yourself with all the people you love and stick by them for all of eternity (I've just thought... are there relationships in heaven? Surely there must be? You can still fall in love, right? 'cos relationships end, you know. They come and go all the time. Heaven just sounds like a more permanent life. I don't think I'd like that, now I think about it. Seriously.). So given the choice, 2000 years ago when there was no education system, no libraries, no internet and no method of effectively gathering information and the word of the government was all you had. If they told you something like that, then threatened that you didn't believe it you would be killed, what would you do? Seriously. What would you do? I know what I'd do. I'd fucking believe it. Or at least pretend to, and teach my kids to actually believe it from fear of them going to hell.

But again, the heaven concept is nice. It's lovely. But think about it. I mean *really* think about it. Would you want that? I mean sure, it's DEFINITELY better than that hell place, but I don't know. I think I'd get pretty bored. Go insane. Want something else to do... I don't know, can I choose "neither", if both are real? :/

One thing that does really bother me about religion, is that it seems to enforce prejudice on good people. One particular example of this is people of homosexuality. The Catholic church preaches that homosexuality is a sin, and will lead people to (deservedly, apparently) go to Hell. Does this not upset you? I mean, really, really upset you? It gets to me more than anything else about religion. It's unfair, unfounded and in my personal opinion, moreso an evil than homosexuality itself. Stephen Fry comes to mind. This is a man who is incomprehensibly good, and has bought only joy to my life. He's a (as I understand it) "non practicing homosexual". He says that it's hard for him to hear that "over a billion" people are taught that he is "guilty of a moral evil" simply by "fulfilling [his] sexual destiny as [he] see[s] it", as he feels he is "filled with love". This part of the speech really got to me.


Here's Stephen's speech on religion, which has left a lasting impression on me:






Anyway, moving on from being anti-religious for a moment.

Religion is also a force for good in this world. There are many people, working on their religious beliefs as a very inspiring way of helping other people. Look at Mother Teresa, look at the religious people helping the homeless, look at the religious people who raise money for starving children, for people dying of terminal illnesses... I could go on. These are GOOD people, and they do so in belief that God wants us all to be good people.  And it's a horrible shame that these people are being persecuted by anti-religious rallies, such as those who support Richard Dawkins, or Sam Harris. It's horrible. Everyone one this planet has every right to believe what they wish to believe, I respect that and by no means would I want to take that away from them. I only ask that they try to restrain their premeditated disposition towards other religions, or homosexuality.

The real shame lies not in Christianity, but more the Muslim faith. 9/11. You know what I'm getting at. A VERY select few Muslim EXTREMISTS committed a heinous crime. A truly (for lack of a better word) EVIL act. And what happened? A war. A full blown war happened. countless more people died as a result. But that wasn't the real tragedy; racism has now become a real problem in Christian countries, and I have to say England particularly (as I obviously have the most experience with it here). People are scared of Muslims now, not extremists. Muslims. And it's down to the media. The Sun, the Star, The Mail... They fear monger. I need only mention the EDL and "Muslamic Ray Guns". It's disgusting. It makes me feel truly ashamed to live in this country.

Another thing that bothers me, is that there are so many different faiths and all of them detest each other. Why? It makes no sense to me. They all follow similar guidelines (do good things, get rewarded, do bad things, get punished). So why all the hate? Why not believe in your own belief system and then just follow it? I mean come on... It's hypocritical. It's stupid and it's just plain not nice.

"Do not kill, do not rape, do not steal, these are principles which every man of every faith can embrace. " - The Boondock Saints

Again, religious readers: I am not trying to take your faith away from it, I only aim to make you understand that religions all have more in common than you might think. Try to be more understanding of other religions and perhaps in the process, you'll be setting an even better example for your own. You're a good person; act like one.

One quote which has *really* put things into perspective for me, was a quote from someone I've recently been talking to quite a lot (I won't say her name, I'm sure she'd be okay with it, but I'd want to check and she's asleep. Hopefully she'll know who she is if/when she reads this). She's a Catholic. And I remember a few months ago I was texting her about something to do with her religion. I believe it was in regards to premarital sex and the use of contraception. She pointed out that just because her church is for/against something, doesn't mean she is too. She pointed out that people have their own beliefs and don't just blindly follow the word of the church to which they attend. - This really made me think long and hard about my own predispositions. Not ALL Catholics are against gay rights, not ALL Christians would commit genocide (Ref: Hitler was a Christian), not ALL Muslims would kill thousands of people, and hate western society, not ALL Atheists (And yes, Atheism is somewhat ironically classed as a religion) would see the undoing of every other religion. There is personal choice in all religions. That is why I will not purposefully work to destroy someone's faith.

I have so much to say on the matter, so much to comment on, so many quotes to post and so many opinions to voice, but if I'm being completely honest, I don't know how to structure it, where to start and where to end. So what I want to do is post this as a kind of introduction. I want to get people asking for my opinion and ask me questions. I want to write another blog regarding this and try and express myself openly and honestly.

So please, post any questions you have for me here, and when I get enough, I'll post a new blog.

This is something I'm really interested in talking about, as I want to learn a lot as well as express myself too. So please, post something?

Thanks for reading.

The Dating Game

Last night, I was at a Lostprophets gig. For those of you who know me, you'll know that the only women I would want a relationship with, are people who like similar music to me (It sounds stupid, but think about it; most people get on with each other based on the music they like. It sounds stupid, but I know that all of my closest friends have similar tastes in music to me, bar perhaps 2, or 3. But I don't want to date them). This may seem shallow, or whatever, but it's true. Women at gigs I go to tend to dress in the styles I like, have similar senses of humour to me and also I have something to talk to them about. Anyway, being the Foul Bachelor Frog that I am, I tend to go to these gigs with my mind open to every woman I see, engaging each one in creepy eye contact and desperate attempts at conversation. As a general rule, my nights going to gigs and/or metal bars ends in a low emotional state for me. I never find the person I'm constantly looking for, and as a result, I get depressed and bring down every elses mood, or do something angsty and selfish. And I always reflect on a few things from that night, with a horrible feeling in my stomach, of shame or regret (There was this one time I was at the Phoenix in Coventry, and there was this fucking 8 standing there alone, as her friend (also female) had just gone to the toilet. So this stunner was standing there, looking bored as fuck, sipping her drink slowly and shit. I stood alone of the other side of the room, thinking of going to talk to her, (I wasn't staring and she didn't notice me btw, just so it doesn't sound too creepy.) After 10 minutes, I got the courage to go talk to her, and on my way over, she walks off. Fuck that.

Anyway, last night at the gig, I had nothing like that. At all. And the thing is, something happened which was worse. But I can look at it and laugh now. You know why? Because I've stopped caring. That's the key to happiness; stop caring. Honestly. That shit should be posted on everything everywhere. It should be our national, nay, our global saying "Stop Caring". You know why? Because the more you care, the less happy you are. And what is life without happiness?

So I bet you wanna know what happened? It's not really that interesting... Fine. I'll tell you: It was about midnight, I was coming down the stairs, and I got halfway down. Luke comes out at the top and shouts something to me (I forget what).
Enter really hot girl: "Excuse me"
 Me: "Oh, sorry" *Gets out of way*
*Girl walks past*
Luke: "She wanted you"
Me: *Sarcastically* "Yeah, every girl who ever looks at me wants me."
Girl: *From bottom of stairs* "Wow..."
Me: *To Luke* "She just said "Wow" and looked *REALLY* pissed off"
Girl: "Yeah, because you're a dick!"
*End*

Retrospectively, I should have informed her that she was a pussy and that we should fuck. Oh well... But the thing is, a few months back, that would have *REALLY* gotten to me, like, eaten away at me until I got depressed and had a 12 hour listening session to "The Black Parade" on repeat. But now? It's funny. And I genuinely don't care.

Anyway, prelude over. Let's move onto what this blog is actually about!

So, what is the "Dating Game"? That's easy. It's the ability to pick up women with ease, and a high success rate. People who "play the game" often win, because they know the rules, stick to them and they work.

You know what I say? Fuck the game. I mean, seriously. Fuck the game. (I just lost, also) The game is for those popular, charming, charismatic guys at high school who finished high school with more sexual partners than correct exam questions. The guys with six packs, an extensive internal database of football trivia and BTECS in Mechanics, Plumbing or Building/Construction.

Here's the deal: I'm bitter. I've been single for over two years, I'm alone and I'm fucking bitter about it. I mean, I LOVE my friends, they're amazing. I wouldn't change them. But my friends aren't... well, I can't confide 100% in my friends, I don't have that ONE person to share my life with. To tell everything to, to get excited about seeing, to miss, to love. To hold. All that shit. And you know why I'm bitter? I'll tell you for why:

I am a nice guy, I'm funny, social, romantic... fuck this. I'm not going to become an arrogant prick. I'm not. I just HATE, that I can't "play the game". Not that I'd want to of course, I mean there's very few women who go from man to man to man that I'd actually want a relationship with. But I can't "pick up" women. The problem is the who texting thing, I think. If I like a girl, I'll fucking text her. I'm not ashamed. I'm not going to leave it an hour to not seem desperate. I'm NOT fucking desperate. I just want to find someone who is willing to talk back.

People seem to believe in a set of rules laid out by society, and if the person they're talking to doesn't play be these rules, fuck them. "I can't keep texting him, he's needy". I'm not needy, I just LIKE talking to you, so I'd like to talk to you more. Don't just stop replying because I'm "coming on too strong". I'm NOT coming on too strong, I just LIKE TALKING TO YOU! YOU'RE INTERESTING! For fuck sake women of Earth, take it as a compliment, talk back. Because you know what? That guy who leaves it a few hours before replying, making you want more? Chances are he won't be around in a months time. I will (unless of course when I get to know you, you're not who I thought you were, if that makes sense?) .

I don't know. I'm contradicting myself all over the place and making statements with such gaping logical flaws that even a downs syndrome would spot. I just... God damn it, I wish I could let women realise that I am WORTH getting to know!

What is it about playing this fucking game that works? What am I missing? Why can't I just make women realise who I am without coming across as needy, stalkerish and creepy? I want to be myself. Let me be my self and not have to abide by this painful rules. But instead I need to wait to send a fucking text, not say things like "You're beautiful when you smile like that" or ask for hugs every now and then?

Women of planet earth: I invite you to talk to me, get to fucking know me. Realise that I'm not creepy, I'm not going to rape you, I'm not going to stalk you and I'm not going to cling to you like one of those face-huggers from Alien. I simply think you're interesting and I want to get to know you, and I invite you to get to know me too. For the love of God, don't try to "read between the lines" and stop over-analysing my every word to make things seem more than they are.

And this doesn't just go for me, this goes for every shy guy who starts talking to you, every nerd that doesn't mention sex all the time. If we treat you like a human being and not an object, that doesn't mean we don't want to have sex with you, it just means that it's not out number one priority when it comes to you. I'd happily have a relationship without sex so long as I could have someone to share my life with who cared about me as much as I cared about them. Sex is just a bonus. A magnificent, amazing and fantastic bonus. (Note: I've actually asked a girl on a date before, she said she didn't think of me that way. We're still friends now, and she has a boyfriend who she's happy with and I'm happy she's happy, she deserves it. But a few months ago I asked why she didn't think of me that way, after ages of me thinking it was my physical appearance, she told me it was because I didn't ever mention anything sexual, I was too nice. Talking about movies, gigs, games... shit like that. How weird is that? I fucked up because I was trying NOT to fuck up).

So, there you have it. From here on in, I don't give a fuck about my appearance, I don't believe my weight, my acne or my boring hairstyle has anything to do with anything anymore. It's down to me not knowing how to flirt. And you know what? Fuck that. Audioslave sang "And to be yourself, is all that you can do" - These are words of truth, and I live by them. What you see is what you get, sure. But get to know me, and you'll get to know one of the most genuine, caring, loyal and kind people you'll ever know. I don't keep secrets and I don't hold grudges.

Come at me.