I hate pornography.

Okay, so let me get this straight, as far as pornography goes, I'm incredibly educated. I've seen my fair share, and there was a point in time when I had over 300GB of the stuff stored on my computer. I had the lot (Short of man on man, scat and child porn of course).

I had HD, SD, quality that was almost unwatchable because of the pixels.

But enough about my (albeit impressive) collection of pornography. The reason I write this blog is to say that I today, decided to delete this mountain of sexually explicit materials.

Why? All will soon become clear, my avid readers. Firstly, let me explain my current "situation";

I am 19 years old. In my 19 years on this planet, I've met many, many people. Within this category of "People I've met", there has been women. The majority of these women are of nothing noteworthy to the purpose of this post. But the 10% that are noteworthy, I believed to be worth a lot more than anyone else I knew. The reason being for this; I wanted to see them naked.

Okay, okay, that's not ENTIRELY the reason. But at some point in my infatuation/crush/whatever the fuck you want to call it on/with/whatever with these women, I've wanted to see them naked, and I've wanted to fuck them. So what? Shoot me. I can guarantee I'm not the only person to think like this. It's not my fault, it's my primal instinct's.

Now, I've watched pornography from the beautifully young age of 11, thanks to the power of the internet. I believe this has made my "fantasies", or "sexual desires" to become dramatically over thought, and made much more graphic than the majority of my similarly aged counterparts.

What's more is the frequency of which these mental home-movies are created. There are days in my life, where I've done nothing more than create these obscenely graphic mental images, and 'enjoy' them. This is something that I'm not proud of.

I am an intelligent person, and I've spent many, many days and hours and minutes (never seconds) of my life masturbating to images and videos of women I've not met, or images and videos that don't exist of women that I know in real life.

Next to me sits a 96 page workbook to my CCNA Cisco Qualification, on which I have an upcoming exam. Now, as 19 year old single male, sitting at a computer connected to a 25mb/s internet connection, what do you think is more likely for me to be tempted into doing? Yeah, you're right.

I feel as if I'm getting somewhat off topic here.

I am not a virgin. I am aware of the feeling of sexual intercourse. Alright, I'm not as familiar with it as I am with porn, or as I am with a computer. But I'm familiar with it, and that's the point. I've had two sexual partners, one of which was part of a long(ish) relationship, and another was a one off encounter.

It's now been 7 months since I've had sex. Now, does that make me less of a person than if I was going out every week or so, meeting a random woman and having sex with her? Then swiftly moving onto the next target? No. In fact, I feel as if I'm a better person for NOT doing so. Jesus... I wish I WAS still a virgin. Perhaps I'd feel even better for it.

Pornography has made me *too* intimate with the IDEA of sex, but never has it educated me in the actual experience of sex, nor has it made me feel as if I'm cared for. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

For the past few months now, I've been going to bed feeling depressed. Not like, "OH MY GOD LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING" kind of depressed, but more of a "...something's missing" kind of depressed. Naturally, I just watched some porn and the feeling subsided. But then it stopped working even more. Instead of feeling alright, I felt worse. Empty. Guilty even.

Then it hit me. Porn is sex. It's infatuation. It's primal instinct. It IS enjoyable, but it won't make you a better person.

What's *really* missing isn't sex. It's someone to lay by my side when I sleep. It's someone to wake up to. It's someone to spend time with. Porn is a *very* temporary replacement, but there comes a time when it's nothing. It's irritating and it's pathetic.

I now see that I have two choices:

1. Continue to watch porn, and become more and more obsessed with the idea of sex, and end up believing that's all women are about, or that's all there is to life.

2. Delete my porn collection and work at making myself a BETTER person. Someone that doesn't care about sex, someone who is lonely, sure. But that's always going to be completely temporary. And until I get someone to pick me up, I'm happy knowing that there WILL be someone coming to pick me up. And I'll rest easier knowing that the way I feel about that person, won't rest on how good they might be good in bed, how big their tits are, or the amount of pubes they have.

- Spudguy.