I hate pornography.

Okay, so let me get this straight, as far as pornography goes, I'm incredibly educated. I've seen my fair share, and there was a point in time when I had over 300GB of the stuff stored on my computer. I had the lot (Short of man on man, scat and child porn of course).

I had HD, SD, quality that was almost unwatchable because of the pixels.

But enough about my (albeit impressive) collection of pornography. The reason I write this blog is to say that I today, decided to delete this mountain of sexually explicit materials.

Why? All will soon become clear, my avid readers. Firstly, let me explain my current "situation";

I am 19 years old. In my 19 years on this planet, I've met many, many people. Within this category of "People I've met", there has been women. The majority of these women are of nothing noteworthy to the purpose of this post. But the 10% that are noteworthy, I believed to be worth a lot more than anyone else I knew. The reason being for this; I wanted to see them naked.

Okay, okay, that's not ENTIRELY the reason. But at some point in my infatuation/crush/whatever the fuck you want to call it on/with/whatever with these women, I've wanted to see them naked, and I've wanted to fuck them. So what? Shoot me. I can guarantee I'm not the only person to think like this. It's not my fault, it's my primal instinct's.

Now, I've watched pornography from the beautifully young age of 11, thanks to the power of the internet. I believe this has made my "fantasies", or "sexual desires" to become dramatically over thought, and made much more graphic than the majority of my similarly aged counterparts.

What's more is the frequency of which these mental home-movies are created. There are days in my life, where I've done nothing more than create these obscenely graphic mental images, and 'enjoy' them. This is something that I'm not proud of.

I am an intelligent person, and I've spent many, many days and hours and minutes (never seconds) of my life masturbating to images and videos of women I've not met, or images and videos that don't exist of women that I know in real life.

Next to me sits a 96 page workbook to my CCNA Cisco Qualification, on which I have an upcoming exam. Now, as 19 year old single male, sitting at a computer connected to a 25mb/s internet connection, what do you think is more likely for me to be tempted into doing? Yeah, you're right.

I feel as if I'm getting somewhat off topic here.

I am not a virgin. I am aware of the feeling of sexual intercourse. Alright, I'm not as familiar with it as I am with porn, or as I am with a computer. But I'm familiar with it, and that's the point. I've had two sexual partners, one of which was part of a long(ish) relationship, and another was a one off encounter.

It's now been 7 months since I've had sex. Now, does that make me less of a person than if I was going out every week or so, meeting a random woman and having sex with her? Then swiftly moving onto the next target? No. In fact, I feel as if I'm a better person for NOT doing so. Jesus... I wish I WAS still a virgin. Perhaps I'd feel even better for it.

Pornography has made me *too* intimate with the IDEA of sex, but never has it educated me in the actual experience of sex, nor has it made me feel as if I'm cared for. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

For the past few months now, I've been going to bed feeling depressed. Not like, "OH MY GOD LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING" kind of depressed, but more of a "...something's missing" kind of depressed. Naturally, I just watched some porn and the feeling subsided. But then it stopped working even more. Instead of feeling alright, I felt worse. Empty. Guilty even.

Then it hit me. Porn is sex. It's infatuation. It's primal instinct. It IS enjoyable, but it won't make you a better person.

What's *really* missing isn't sex. It's someone to lay by my side when I sleep. It's someone to wake up to. It's someone to spend time with. Porn is a *very* temporary replacement, but there comes a time when it's nothing. It's irritating and it's pathetic.

I now see that I have two choices:

1. Continue to watch porn, and become more and more obsessed with the idea of sex, and end up believing that's all women are about, or that's all there is to life.

2. Delete my porn collection and work at making myself a BETTER person. Someone that doesn't care about sex, someone who is lonely, sure. But that's always going to be completely temporary. And until I get someone to pick me up, I'm happy knowing that there WILL be someone coming to pick me up. And I'll rest easier knowing that the way I feel about that person, won't rest on how good they might be good in bed, how big their tits are, or the amount of pubes they have.

- Spudguy.

I am ashamed, angry and disgusted.

Look at this fucking blog. Just look, read what kind of shit I've been rambling on about. Fucking boo hoo, I've not no girlfriend. Boo hoo, I fall out with my friends sometimes. Who gives a fuck!? More importantly, why did I?

Let me explain. I've spent the last few days watching educational insights into the world we live in.
The first one, I urge everyone to watch;



It's somewhat slow to begin with. But my God, you need to see it. You will learn more about this fucking disgusting , depraved society than you thought was possible. You may choose to believe it, you may not. But regardless, it's completely worth thinking about.

The second video is a sequel to the first. But even more empowering and disgusting. You don't need to watch them right now, or in one go, but you DO need to watch them.



Now, the latest I have seen is one you're likely not familiar with; Network. Unfortunately, the irony in this one is that you must pay for the DVD, but for £3.75 [http://www.amazon.co.uk/Network-DVD-Faye-Dunaway/dp/B000087I2F/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1268995372&sr=8-1], it's affordable . It's simply amazing. If you know how to torrent it, do so. In fact, torrent everything. Pay for nothing. Why should these huge companies, like Amazon, Play.com, Sony, HMV Panasonic and countless more massive corporations profit from your need for awareness? I say fuck them.

But of course, it's not that easy, is it? We're stuck in a society in which we're FORCED to give money to these people, to make those few at the top massively richer than the masses. We're essentially an enslaved society with no real acknowledgment of this. We need to make noise, to unite and let them know we're angry, we're unhappy and for fuck sake we're not going to take this SHIT anymore!

Everything we know, is fed to us through this fucking tube. So much is hidden from us that we're essentially infants. Think about it. What do you KNOW, that you haven't learned from the news? From the education system? It's all filtered as to not make us angry. Or rebel.

Music, freedom of speech, books - This is unfiltered means of media. Although we're still thrown the shitty fucking emo bullshit, the UK top 40 charts that sing about women, drugs, alcohol, money, love and all that shit. There are still bands that don't conform to this media bullshit. Few examples come to mind; Rage Against the Machine, A Perfect Circle + a hell of a lot more than that. LISTEN to the lyrics in Rage songs. They're fucking true, powerful and they make you angry. That's all you need to do. Get angry and voice your anger!

Do you want to know the truth? Do you want to know the REAL truth of the society we're in? Well, here it is. Our lives, are essentially worthless. Think about it, what will you achieve in your life? You'll get a job, repeat the same monotonous tasks for years to come, maybe get married, have kids, grow old and die. Yes, you've been "happy", or have you? Think back to the idea of the media. Love, is another method of control given to us via the media. The sad thing is, that Love is real. It exists and when it does, it's amazing. But it's being used against us as another way of control. That life I've just explained, the one you will live; what have you DONE? You've been a drone. A slave. A fucking puppet. Staying silent and accepting things as being "Just the way they are".

No. I will not accept this.

You need to get mad, you need to get ANGRY! You need to let the people in charge that we want VALUE in our lives. We want to be WORTH something.

I can type about this all day, but moderation must be had. Expect more like this.